One of the hardest things to rebuild in a relationship is trust. Once trust has been damaged, many couples begin asking the same question. “Can we ever get back to where we were?”
The answer is not always simple. Sometimes trust can be rebuilt. Sometimes it cannot. It depends on what happened, how both people respond afterwards and whether they are both willing to do the work required to rebuild the relationship.
One thing I do know is that rebuilding trust is rarely about one conversation or one apology. Trust is rebuilt through consistent actions over time.
As a relationship counsellor working with couples and individuals across the Mornington Peninsula, I have seen trust damaged in many different ways. Sometimes it follows an affair. Sometimes it develops after repeated dishonesty, broken promises, emotional withdrawal or feeling that your partner is no longer emotionally available. For other couples, trust slowly disappears after years of disappointment, unresolved conflict or feeling that they can no longer rely on each other.
Whatever has happened, the impact is often the same. The relationship no longer feels emotionally safe.
Many people describe constantly questioning what their partner says or does. Others find themselves becoming anxious, suspicious or emotionally guarded because they are trying to protect themselves from being hurt again.
These reactions are completely understandable. When trust has been broken, it is often our way of trying to make sense of what has happened while protecting ourselves from experiencing the same pain again.
One of the biggest misconceptions is that trust returns simply because somebody says they are sorry. Not necessarily true, an genuine apology is important, but on its own it is rarely enough.
The person whose trust has been broken needs to experience something different over time. They need to see honesty become consistent. They need to know that their concerns are being taken seriously. Most importantly, they need to begin feeling emotionally safe again. Of course this does not happen overnight, rebuilding trust requires a great deal of patience.
The person who has been hurt may ask the same questions more than once. They may need reassurance while they work through what has happened. That does not necessarily mean they are refusing to move forward. Often, they are trying to make sense of an experience that has changed the way they see their relationship. At the same time, rebuilding trust is not only about the person who caused the hurt. Both people are affected.
One may be carrying the pain of what happened, while the other may be carrying guilt, regret or uncertainty about how to make things right.
Helping couples understand each other’s experience is often where healing begins. One of the things I have learned over the years is that trust is not rebuilt through one big moment. It is rebuilt through many small moments. Keeping your word. Being honest, even when the conversation is uncomfortable. Following through on what you say you will do. Showing your partner that your actions match your words.
Over time, these moments begin creating something that once felt impossible. A sense of safety. That does not mean every relationship will return to exactly where it was before. Sometimes couples build something different. Often they build something stronger because they have learned to communicate more openly, understand each other more deeply and respond to difficulties in healthier ways.
If trust has been broken in your relationship, it does not automatically mean the relationship is over. It does mean that rebuilding trust will take time, honesty and a willingness from both people to understand what has happened and what needs to change moving forward.
If communication has also become difficult, you may find it helpful to read, “How Couples Counselling Can Help When Communication Has Broken Down.” Many couples discover that rebuilding trust and improving communication go hand in hand.
At Blissful Connections, I provide Couples Counselling and Individual Relationship Counselling for clients across the Mornington Peninsula and throughout Australia through both in person and online counselling.
About the Author:
Joy Ball is a Couples and Relationship Counsellor based on the Mornington Peninsula. With more than 17 years of experience, she helps couples and individuals improve communication, rebuild trust and strengthen their relationships through practical and supportive counselling.