When was the last time your partner did something small that made you feel loved? Maybe they made you a coffee without asking, sent you a message because they knew you were having a difficult day, reached for your hand while you were sitting together or remembered something you had mentioned earlier in the week. It probably wasn’t a grand gesture, but somehow it mattered.
I think we sometimes underestimate these moments in relationships because they seem too small to make much difference. We tend to think about connection in terms of date nights, holidays, intimacy or having more time together, yet so much of how you feel about your relationship is shaped by what happens between you on an ordinary Tuesday when nobody is particularly romantic and there is washing to be done, dinner to organise and a hundred other things competing for your attention.
When Did You Stop Noticing Each Other?
Think about how you and your partner move through a normal day together. Do you still look up when they walk into the room? Do you greet each other properly when you get home? Do you notice when something is bothering them, or have you both become so busy that you tend to move straight into what needs to happen next?
This is something I see with couples who haven’t necessarily stopped loving each other but have stopped noticing each other in the same way. Their relationship hasn’t fallen apart; it has simply become very practical. They are getting life done together, but somewhere amongst all that doing, there are fewer moments that say, “I still see you.” Sometimes reconnecting begins with bringing some of those moments back.
Does Your Partner Know What You Appreciate About Them?
You may appreciate your partner enormously, but when did you last actually tell them? After years together, it is easy to assume they already know. You might notice that they always organise something for the family, make your coffee the way you like it or take care of something you hate doing, but eventually those things can become so familiar that they almost become invisible.
There is a big difference between being appreciated and assuming you are appreciated. Hearing “thank you for doing that” or “I really appreciated you taking care of that today” may seem small, but it tells your partner that what they contribute hasn’t gone unnoticed. The same applies to who they are, not only what they do. When was the last time you told your partner something you genuinely like, admire or value about them?
What Happened To Everyday Affection?
Physical connection can quietly change too. You might still kiss goodbye, but it has become automatic. Perhaps you don’t sit as close anymore, hugs are shorter or the little touches that used to happen naturally have gradually disappeared.
When couples talk to me about losing physical intimacy, I am often interested in what has happened to affection outside the bedroom as well. If the only physical contact between you carries an expectation that it should lead to sex, it can put a lot of pressure on intimacy. A hug, a hand on your partner’s back or sitting close together can simply be about connection. I explore this more in my blog “Why Emotional Intimacy Comes Before Physical Intimacy,” because feeling emotionally close and physically connected often influence each other more than couples realise.
Are You Listening Or Waiting To Respond?
There is another small habit that can make an enormous difference: what happens when your partner starts telling you something. If you disagree, do you immediately explain your side? If they are upset, do you try to fix the problem? If you have heard the story before, do you only half listen because you already know where it is going?
Feeling listened to is one of those things we often don’t think about until it disappears. Sometimes your partner doesn’t need you to solve anything. They need you to stay interested long enough to understand why something matters to them. My blog “How To Feel Heard In Your Relationship” looks more closely at this because couples can spend a lot of time talking to each other while still feeling as though nobody is really listening.
The Small Things Are Often The Relationship
There isn’t one daily habit that guarantees a strong relationship, and I don’t think relationships need another checklist of things you’re supposed to be doing perfectly. What I do think is worth noticing is what happens between you when there isn’t a problem to solve.
Do you still laugh together? Do you notice each other? Is there affection that doesn’t have an agenda? Do you say thank you? Do you sometimes put down what you’re doing because your partner is telling you something that matters to them? These moments can look insignificant on their own, but together they create something much bigger. They create the feeling that you matter to each other.
If your relationship has become more about managing life than enjoying each other, you don’t necessarily need to begin with a huge change. Sometimes it is worth looking at the small things that have quietly disappeared and asking yourselves which of them you would like to bring back.
In Couples Counselling and Relationship Counselling, I often find that reconnecting isn’t always about teaching couples something completely new. Sometimes it is about helping them rediscover the small ways they once made each other feel loved, valued and important, and finding a way to make room for those things again within the life they have now.
About the Author:
Joy Ball is an experienced Couples and Relationship Counsellor based on the Mornington Peninsula. With more than 17 years in the counselling industry, she helps couples and individuals improve communication, rebuild trust and strengthen their relationships through practical and supportive counselling.