Do you remember when you and your partner could sit down together and have a conversation without being interrupted, make plans without having to organise the children or simply enjoy spending time with each other? These days, you might be lucky to finish a conversation before someone needs something and by the time the house is quiet, you’re both exhausted.
Having children changes so much about your life, including your relationship. You love your children and wouldn’t change having them, but that doesn’t mean you don’t sometimes miss how things used to be between you and your partner. The freedom, the spontaneity, the affection and even the simple pleasure of having each other’s undivided attention can become things you rarely experience anymore.
When parenting impacts your relationship, it often happens so gradually that you don’t notice how much has changed until you begin feeling more like two people running a household than a couple sharing a life together.
When Everything Becomes About the Children
Think about the conversations you’ve had with your partner over the past few days. How many have been about the children, what needs to be organised, who’s doing what or what you need to remember for tomorrow? Now think about when you last asked each other how you were feeling, shared something that made you laugh or had a conversation that had absolutely nothing to do with being parents.
It’s understandable that family life takes up so much of your attention, particularly when your children are young or going through stages where they need more support. But when nearly every conversation becomes about managing the family, you can begin to lose that sense of knowing each other beyond your roles as mum and dad.
You may still love each other deeply, but find yourselves spending less time enjoying each other’s company. Perhaps you miss the affection you once shared, or you’ve noticed that even when you do have time together, you seem to have very little to talk about beyond the children.
And sometimes, when you try to explain that you’re missing your partner, they hear it as criticism rather than recognising that you’re simply wanting to feel close to them again.
When You’re Both Tired but Feeling Different Things
One of the difficulties with parenting is that you can both be working incredibly hard for your family and still feel that your own needs aren’t being met.
Perhaps you’re the one remembering the appointments, organising the school activities, planning meals and making sure everyone has what they need. You may feel frustrated that your partner doesn’t notice everything you’re carrying unless you specifically ask for help.
Meanwhile, your partner may feel they’re doing everything they can to contribute, yet somehow it’s never enough. They might be missing the affection or attention you once gave them, without recognising just how mentally and physically exhausted you are.
It’s easy for these feelings to turn into arguments about who does more, who has it harder or who isn’t making enough effort. But underneath those frustrations, you may both be wanting something quite similar: to feel appreciated, supported and important to each other.
When you’re already tired, even a small disagreement can feel much bigger than it needs to be. The patience you might once have had for each other becomes harder to find, and before long, you’re arguing about things that wouldn’t have bothered you nearly as much in the past.
You Still Need to Feel Like a Couple
One of the things I hear from couples in my counselling room is how much they miss simply enjoying each other. They don’t necessarily want extravagant date nights or weekends away. Sometimes they just want their partner to notice them, give them a hug, ask about their day or show a little affection without it having to lead anywhere.
It’s easy to assume that because you’re sharing a home, raising children and spending time together as a family, you’re also spending time together as a couple. But being in the same room isn’t always the same as feeling connected.
You may find that your relationship has become something you assume will always be there, while most of your energy goes towards everyone else’s needs. The difficulty is that emotional connection doesn’t always remain strong simply because you love each other. It also comes from the way you continue to show interest, care and affection in everyday life.
And while your children are an important part of your relationship, they aren’t the only part of it. You were partners before you became parents and that part of your relationship still deserves attention.
One Small Thing You Can Start Doing Differently
Rather than adding another task to your already busy life, I’d encourage you to think about how you and your partner connect during the ordinary moments of your day.
Try making ten minutes for each other without talking about the children, household responsibilities or tomorrow’s plans. Put your phones aside and ask each other something as simple as, “How are you going, really?” or “What’s been on your mind lately?”
You may be surprised by how much you’ve stopped sharing with each other, not because you don’t care, but because you’ve become so used to focusing on what everyone else needs.
The important part is to listen without immediately offering advice, trying to fix something or turning the conversation back to what needs to be done. Give your partner the opportunity to feel heard, and allow yourself the same.
Of course, ten minutes won’t resolve years of frustration or emotional distance, particularly if there are deeper issues affecting your relationship. But it can be a starting point for remembering that you’re still two people who need care, understanding and attention from each other.
Don’t Forget About the Two of You
There will be stages of parenting when your relationship receives less attention than you’d like. There will be times when you’re tired, overwhelmed and simply trying to get through the week. That’s part of family life and expecting your relationship to feel exactly as it did before children isn’t realistic.
What matters is recognising when you’ve become so caught up in being parents that you’ve stopped making room for each other.
Your children will grow, their needs will change and eventually they’ll become more independent. Along the way, it’s worth remembering that the relationship between you and your partner is still an important part of the life you’re building together.
Remember, you don’t need to be perfect parents or have the perfect relationship. But making time to notice each other, appreciate each other’s efforts and enjoy being together can make a difference to how connected you feel, even during the busiest years of raising a family.
About the Author
Joy Ball is a Couples and Relationship Counsellor based on the Mornington Peninsula. With more than 17 years of experience, she helps couples and individuals improve communication, rebuild trust and strengthen their relationships through practical and supportive counselling.