I often hear couples say, “We argue all the time,” as though the arguing itself is proof that something is wrong with their relationship. They come into counselling wanting to learn how to stop fighting, communicate better or avoid the conversations that always seem to end badly. But I’m not particularly concerned that two people in a relationship disagree. You are two different people, with different histories, needs, expectations and ways of seeing things. Of course there are going to be times when you don’t see things the same way.
What interests me much more is what happens between you once you disagree. Think about an argument you have had more than once. It might start with money, parenting, intimacy, housework, family or how much time you spend together, but after a while the actual subject almost becomes irrelevant. You know where the conversation is heading because you have been there before. One of you might become frustrated and start pushing harder to be heard, while the other becomes defensive, shuts down or walks away. The more one person pushes, the more the other pulls back, and eventually you are having the same argument you have had many times before.
This is where couples can become convinced that they have a communication problem, when there is often something more happening underneath it. You aren’t only arguing about who forgot to do something or who said what. Somewhere in that conversation one of you may be feeling, You don’t listen to me. I don’t matter to you. I feel criticised by you. I feel like I’m doing everything on my own. You don’t understand me.
I see this regularly in Couples Counselling. Couples will tell me about what appears to be a completely different argument from the one they talked about the week before, yet when we slow it down, the pattern between them is almost identical. The subject has changed, but the way they react to each other hasn’t. This is also why understanding relationship patterns can be so important. As I explore in my blog “Why We Repeat The Same Relationship Patterns,” the reactions we have with our partner often become familiar long before we understand why we keep having them.
Conflict can actually tell you quite a lot about your relationship. It can show you where resentment has been building, where one of you doesn’t feel heard, where your expectations are different or where something important has been left unresolved. The argument is sometimes the place where those things finally come to the surface, although rarely in the calmest or most helpful way.
The difficulty is that when you are in the middle of an argument, most of your energy can go into trying to get your partner to understand your side. You listen for the part you disagree with, correct something they have said or start preparing your response before they have finished speaking. Your partner may be doing exactly the same thing. Now you have two people who desperately want to be understood and neither feels listened to.
Being understood doesn’t mean your partner has to agree with you. You can remember an experience differently and still acknowledge how it felt for them. You can disagree with their opinion and still be interested in why they hold it. Sometimes one of the biggest changes in conflict happens when you stop trying to establish whose version is correct and begin trying to understand what the conversation means to each of you.
Of course, there will still be arguments that don’t go well. You will occasionally become defensive, say something badly or respond from frustration rather than understanding. What matters then is whether you can find your way back to each other. Can you acknowledge that something you said was hurtful without immediately explaining why you said it? Can you recognise your part without waiting for your partner to recognise theirs first? Can you come back to a conversation once you have both settled rather than leaving it unresolved?
This is where the everyday connection between you matters too. In “Small Daily Habits That Strengthen Relationships,” I talk about the small moments of attention, affection and appreciation that can easily disappear when life becomes busy. Those moments don’t prevent disagreement, but they help create a relationship where conflict isn’t the only time you are really paying attention to each other.
So if you find yourselves having the same arguments, I wouldn’t only ask, “How do we stop fighting?” I would be more interested in what keeps happening between you when you fight. What does each of you start feeling? What do you do next? What does your partner then do in response? And how does that keep taking you back to the same place?
This is often where Couples Counselling and Relationship Counselling can help. Not by trying to create a relationship where you never disagree, but by helping you understand what sits underneath the conflict and what happens between you when things become difficult.
You are going to disagree with the person you love. The difference is whether those disagreements leave you feeling further apart each time, or whether you can learn something about each other that helps you find your way back.
About the Author:
Joy Ball is an experienced Couples and Relationship Counsellor based on the Mornington Peninsula. With more than 17 years in the counselling industry, she helps couples and individuals improve communication, rebuild trust and strengthen their relationships through practical and supportive counselling.